Better in Time

Currently listening to: When Did Your Heart Go Missing - Rooney

For the last week or so, I've been composing my thoughts in the shower, before getting out of bed, and other random times throughout the day with the intention of blogging away my feelings and problems. However, each time I sign on, everything I want to write about just seems childish and unnecessary, and I can't seem to get my emotions out. Hopefully I'll get through this post writing on exactly what I wanted to write without creating a tangent to a whole new set of topics.

Besides the whole writer's block issue, it's actually pretty nice to be able to come to the blog scene and write out your thoughts, especially during finals when everyone's doing their own thing and no one really wants to talk.

I've been starting to feel that way a lot recently. Not really paying attention to what others are saying, not wanting to talk about what's going on with me. Ha, it's not like I'm able to thoroughly and accurately explain what goes on with me when I don't understand it myself anyway...

I think a big part of maturity requires being understanding of the fact that decisions aren't black and white, and that sometimes a choice that is logical doesn't always correlate with the "right" choice. At the same time, I'd much rather prefer that my decisions are thought out carefully and rationally (caveat: rational is not meant to include emotional). Lately though, my emotions have been getting the better of me, and I've acted in ways that I'd probably be embarrassed (but not necessarily ashamed) of in the future.

Continuing with the topic of my actions and how I keep fucking my life over is my ever-present ambivalence with practically everything. I need to stay focused, but I feel like my motivation, all my drive, is gone. I feel useless and pathetic, and I'm wallowing in self-doubt rather than caring about changing the world like I used to be so inclined to do.

I guess that's what life's rejection does to you. Again, I'm being all whiney and childish with my complaints about how life sucks even though I really am grateful for what I have and where I stand. But still, it's hard to think positively and with wisdom and grace when you're barely twenty and life doesn't seem to love you the way it seems to love everyone else around you. I'm getting tired of waiting patiently, and instant gratification seems like nice motivation to keep me moving forward, you know? Unfortunately for me, this week's forecast is grim with a high chance of rain.

Either way, I need to figure out what the hell I'm doing. I don't know where my ambition has gone, but I need to find it soon; I can't keep doing this anymore.